Courtroom Quotes FROM Disorder in the American Courts

These are [SUPPOSEDLY] from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
____________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
___________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, and I quote: Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
____________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't   know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
___________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
____________________________________
Q: (asked of the mother) So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______ ___________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
____________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
___________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.  
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

CLOSE YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT from The Onion

This is supposed to be funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watchv=3sThcwmx3rs&feature=watch-vrec

What's Funny? by Steven B. Jackson FROM Psychology Today

http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201205/weeks-top-posts/whats-funny

Romance Math

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

---
LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

The Daily Show's Jon Stewart's take on Foxconn

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Are guns or doctors more dangerous? [not sure of original source]

PHYSICIANS

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:

GUNS
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember: 'Guns don't kill people; doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN.

But almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than by a gun owner!!!

Want to Know If Someone Likes You? by Norman Li FROM Psychology Today

"In contrast, if I asked someone out who had not laughed at my ever-so-witty remarks, I would often hear about a mysterious boyfriend or busy schedule."

Understanding Engineers 1 & 2

Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[Former vice president] Cheney shoots man in hunt error FROM BBC [first published February 2006]

"Ranch owner Katharine Armstrong said Mr Cheney had turned round to shoot at a bird, unaware that Mr Whittington was behind him. He sprayed Mr Whittington with shotgun pellets."

Another college degree!!?

Get your BACHELOR OF ADEQUACY DEGREE (BA) from The International University of Nescience.

Perfect "For those seeking certification of being 'good enough.' "

Russell Peters - Beating Your Kids [laugh while listening to an Indian accent]

What is the meaning of life?

BUSINESSMAN:  To make as much money as possible.
SPIRITUAL MAN:  To purify my soul.
ENGINEER:  Can't answer the question--I never studied the subject.

New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves FROM The Onion

"Upon receiving their diplomas, newly minted graduates will immediately make their way to preservation stations. . . . a process that will, in effect, put them into suspended animation until key sectors of the American economy such as real estate and information technology have rebounded."

Fast Education

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

My new business venture

Realizing that nowadays many Taiwanese parents are too weak-willed or busy to physically punish their children, I hit upon this new business venture. For a fee, I'm willing to beat the little darlings for parents. My fee schedule is as follows:

• $100 NT per blow to buttocks with any object of your choosing (minimum 5 blows)
• $200 NT per slap to the face (minimum of 3 slaps)
• $300 NT per bare knuckle punches anywhere below neck (sorry no direct punches to the face)
• If the child cries during the punishment I will also kick them at no extra charge

Parents are encouraged to remain stoic throughout the punishment. On the one hand, children may lose respect for parents who cry, and on the other hand parents may face strained relations with their children if they are seen to be laughing out loud while their little ones are getting beat.

Legal Issues
I have been warned by my lawyer that allowing only adults to hire me may lay me open to the charge of age discrimination. Therefore, any child between the ages of 10 and 16 may also hire me to "punish" their parents. The age restriction is due to the fact that children under 10 may not understand the import of hiring me, and I feel that anyone over 16 is old enough to administer their own beatings.

Should you be more afraid of doctors or guns?

Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 90,000,000
(B) The total number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188
Statistics courtesy of the FBI

Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners!

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

From 101 Fun Jokes

Better Investments

Some oil-rich Gulf States have finally decided to stop squandering their wealth on German luxury cars.

A Math Joke

There are three kinds of people in the world:
Those who can do math and those who can't.